I Spent Time with God So Hard That It Worked.

Dear Ambassador,

Ministry is hard. Leadership is hard. Being thrown into the deep end of adulthood and being told to swim when you’re disoriented is hard.

I thought I had been prepared for ministry – in fact, I had already been doing it on the side for a handful of years. I had watched others lead, I had shown up as the “general volunteer” time and time again, I had even taken on smaller leadership roles myself and done fairly well. However, this specific ministry role has been a different story.

I moved into the ministry house on May 12, 2026. It is now July 12, 2026, so it has only been 2 months. But in that short amount of time my world has been thrown upside down and inside out.

Okay, maybe that is being a bit dramatic.

But let me explain.

I have dealt with a lot of personal responsibilities, such as: going to the DMV to get my car transferred out of my mom’s name, getting my own car insurance and realizing after the fact that I didn’t get as good of a deal as I thought because I mixed up the numbers, getting my car to pass state inspection, changing my address with the DMV and post office and bank and everywhere else, applying for new health insurance, managing my personal finances and budgeting and working on support-raising and mourning the surrender of my part-time job because I am in ministry now. I have cleaned houses and fed pets and run myself ragged trying to make whatever income I could so I didn’t have to touch my sacred savings account.

That’s the personal level stuff.

And then there’s the house maintenance stuff.

I have painted the kitchen, installed our doorbells, scheduled times for people to come over and hang our curtain rods, ordered curtains that were missing, bought essentials for the bathroom and kitchen and made sure we had cleaning supplies and paper products, set up our printer, bought ink and paper for said printer, scrubbed the dirt off our stairwell, picked up shelving that was missing from our fridge, and lived without couches or AC units for longer than was comfortable.

And then there’s the ministry and relationship stuff.

I have gotten to know my new housemate, worked with her to figure out a weekly schedule for devotions and prayer and evangelism and cleaning and grocery shopping, split up responsibilities, acted on those responsibilities, and showed up to lead several events even when it was just the two of us. I have driven people around town and to work and to friend’s houses and home from church. I have held conversations with people in the neighborhood and tried to evangelize at the gym and car repair shop as well. I have attended meetings and more meetings and cooked dinner while attending meetings.

And then there’s the relationship with Jesus stuff.

I have met with Him in prayer and the Word nearly every day, I worship with my whole self, I confess sin and I seek forgiveness, I try to hold my hands open and surrender to Him and let Him have His way. I have sought to change my relationship to finances and wealth and what it means to be a good and faithful servant. I say yes and I show up when I am tired. I drag myself to do the things that I don’t want to do.

It has been a full 2 months.

Oh, and did I mention I was out of the country on a missions trip for 10 days?

It has been a full 2 months.

I have felt exposed as a leader in ways I have never felt before. Living with someone new reveals a lot of your dirt and a lot of your shortcomings real fast.

I have compared myself to other leaders, wondering why I couldn’t bear the same fruit or see the same results when I felt like I was trying just as hard and surrendering just as much.

I have seen more of my flaws — I am a workaholic and quick to become bitter.

I have seen more of my insecurities — I am quick to compare and feel threatened by others.

I have seen more of the ways I am not qualified — I fall into sin and get angry at God and cannot understand why He wants someone like me.

But you know what?

I keep going.

I keep going because God has kept meeting with me.

He has kept speaking through His Word.

He has kept speaking through His Spirit.

And yes, He has even kept speaking to me through my rant sessions with AI computers (don’t judge me).

I came to the realization that I was feeling so exposed not because I was such a failure, not because I was a square peg in a round hole, and not because my Father was disappointed in me.

I was feeling exposed because that is quite literally what I have been praying for.

God exposes the darkness because He is the Light.

I spent time with God so hard that it actually worked.

Imagine that.

In addition, His light exposes the darkness in us not so that He can shame us, but so that He can heal us.

I want to be healed.

I just wasn’t aware of the sickness in my life.

I praise God that He has exposed me.

I praise God that He has seen me and known me and that He still wants me.

Hebrews 11-12 hit me so hard the other day because it talks about what I have been feeling for a long time: a homesickness for Heaven. A disappointment that I can’t hug Jesus or see His angels or speak in tongues in a way that is 100% guaranteed not my own gibberish. I have wanted God and I have wanted Him so badly, but I live in the reality that I am in a fleshly body.

Oh wretched man that I am.

But my God is not holding out on me and He is not punishing me. There is a great cloud of witnesses who have yet to receive what they were promised, and while they were on earth they were right there in the homesickness alongside me. It does not mean they were unfaithful or insignificant or exposed in a shameful way like I feared that I was.

It means that we were designed this way.

I am not uniquely broken.

I am human.

My homesickness is evidence that I am being healed and being made more like my Savior.

2 Corinthians 5 also hit hard because I realized that God has entrusted me with the ministry of reconciliation.

My Father trusts me to be His Ambassador.

He is not ashamed of me.

He is not disappointed in me.

He trusts me.

And if He trusts me, then shouldn’t I stop fearing my inadequacies?

Shouldn’t I stop loathing the exposure as if it were my death sentence?

My Master wants to heal me.

He loves me enough to show me what needs healing.

He is the Light.

He exposes my darkness.

So my homesickness?

It means that I’m healthy and that I’m on my way home.

I spent time with God so hard that it worked.

So, Ambassador, keep going.

It has been a full 2 months, but there is still so much life in store for you.

Whimsy is alive.

Heal so that you can delight in it.

He is not holding out on you, and He is not disappointed in you.

Keep spending time with God so hard that it works.

Excelsior, Ambassador.