Nicole Ashley Missions

Tag: christian

  • I Remind My Counselor of the Little Drummer Boy

    Dear Ambassador, 

    During my appointment today, my counselor told me that I remind her of the Little Drummer Boy from the Christmas carol of the same name.

    I listened to it on repeat on my way home (yes, I know that it’s not even August yet, but I had to know why she said that). I realized that I agree with her completely, and made up my mind that this is not a Christmas carol after all, but it is, in fact, the new soundtrack of my life. 

    The song got me all up in my feels and near to tears, when all of a sudden I saw someone’s license plate that said “LOL WATT,” and I started laughing out loud. Needless to say, it was an emotional roller coaster of a ride (I was a victim of the luteal phase).  

    But back to why I resonate with the song so much, it is actually quite a simple song that contains a lot of meaning. The story that the song tells is of a group of people going to worship baby Jesus by giving Him their best gifts. The Little Drummer Boy doesn’t feel that he has anything of worth to offer the King, so he asks if he can play his drum for Him. Mary agrees, the animals appreciate the rhythm, and baby Jesus smiles at the Little Drummer Boy. 

    Did you catch that? 

    Jesus smiles at him. 

    The Little Drummer Boy did not have much to offer the King, but he did what he could on his drum and it was enough to make Jesus smile. 

    *shoulders drop, teeth unclench, heart stills* 

    That gives me hope that my life is enough to make Jesus smile, too. 

    My church community often visits Ephesians 4:11-13, which talks about the 5-fold ministry gifts, or the APEST gifts: 

    And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, (ESV). 

    I have felt a lot of emphasis on ‘figuring out what my gift is’ so that I can use it to build my church up and also teach others how to grow that gift in their own life (because the gifts are given to individuals to “equip the saints for the work of the ministry”, and Jesus was the best equipped in all 5, so as we grow into “the stature of the fullness of Christ,” we will progressively get better at being all 5 as well). I lean more naturally into the shepherd gifting than I do into the others, but when I evaluate how I shepherd the people in my life, I see a LOT of gaps and a LOT of room for improvement. 

    Back in November, I remember pacing around my hotel room at a conference I was working at and mulling over that thought in my mind. 

    What is my gift? 

    What am I good at? 

    What do I have to offer? 

    I was doing a lot of random tasks for the conference, such as: picking up lunch food from the catering place, manning a booth for the missions organization I had gone on a trip with, assembling clothing racks for the merch store, operating the iPad for the Square transactions, etc. But all around me I saw people leading, speaking, playing instruments, singing, and I felt like I needed to put a name to what I was gifted at. 

    Being a minion? (I’ve been called that before.) 

    Taking care of the “leftover” tasks nobody wants to do? 

    Being a cog in a machine that can easily be replaced by anyone? 

    I wanted to be good at more than that. 

    I wanted my identity to be more than that. 

    What is my APEST gifting? 

    If I am a Shepherd, why am I so bad at it? 

    Can a jack-of-all-trades-but-a-master-of-none really live a life of excellence and devotion for the Lord? 

    It was not until a couple weeks ago (7 months after my November conference wallowings) that it finally occurred to me that just because someone is “gifted” in one of those areas, it does not mean that they will be fully mature in that area at the drop of a hat. 

    I had been viewing “apostles” as the master authority on apostolic leadership and “teachers” as the master authority on teaching. But then the thought occurred to me– 

    Not that I have already reached the goal or am already perfect, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus…In any case, we should live up to whatever truth we have attained (Philippians 3:12, 16 CSB). 

    What if, just as babies have to learn how to walk and run and eat and talk but they are still very much a human being–so also Evangelists have to learn methods and practice their approach for sharing the gospel, but they are still very much an Evangelist– so also Prophets have to practice discerning the voice of the Lord and where and when is appropriate to share with others, but they are still very much a Prophet.

    I felt so seen in that moment the Holy Spirit revealed that to me. 

    I can be a Shepherd who is still learning how to be a Shepherd. 

    My lack of skill does not mean that I am ungifted, or that I do not have anything worth bringing to the table. 

    Jesus smiles at me when I play my drum. 

    That is enough for me.

    It can be enough for you, too.

    So, Ambassador, keep going. 

    There is still so much room for you to grow, but maturity comes with practice, patience, and time. 

    And yes, a “jack-of-all-trades” can live a life of excellence and devotion to the Lord. 

    Feel all the freedom of the Spirit to try new things – 

    Try leading the evangelism trainings. 

    Try bringing a teaching to the church body. 

    Try pioneering a ministry house and being the apostle who thinks of new ways to do things. 

    You are exceptionally gifted, not because you can put a name to what you are good at or because you can train a room to act as exact replicas of your gift until everyone reaches “the stature of the fullness of Christ.” 

    You are exceptionally gifted because there is no one else who can play your drum the same way you can. 

    You are exceptionally gifted because you make Jesus smile. 

    Keep going, Little Drummer Boy. 

    Keep going, Little Drummer Girl. 

    Pa rum pum pum pum.

    Excelsior, Ambassador. 

  • I Spent Time with God So Hard That It Worked.

    Dear Ambassador,

    Ministry is hard. Leadership is hard. Being thrown into the deep end of adulthood and being told to swim when you’re disoriented is hard.

    I thought I had been prepared for ministry – in fact, I had already been doing it on the side for a handful of years. I had watched others lead, I had shown up as the “general volunteer” time and time again, I had even taken on smaller leadership roles myself and done fairly well. However, this specific ministry role has been a different story.

    I moved into the ministry house on May 12, 2026. It is now July 12, 2026, so it has only been 2 months. But in that short amount of time my world has been thrown upside down and inside out.

    Okay, maybe that is being a bit dramatic.

    But let me explain.

    I have dealt with a lot of personal responsibilities, such as: going to the DMV to get my car transferred out of my mom’s name, getting my own car insurance and realizing after the fact that I didn’t get as good of a deal as I thought because I mixed up the numbers, getting my car to pass state inspection, changing my address with the DMV and post office and bank and everywhere else, applying for new health insurance, managing my personal finances and budgeting and working on support-raising and mourning the surrender of my part-time job because I am in ministry now. I have cleaned houses and fed pets and run myself ragged trying to make whatever income I could so I didn’t have to touch my sacred savings account.

    That’s the personal level stuff.

    And then there’s the house maintenance stuff.

    I have painted the kitchen, installed our doorbells, scheduled times for people to come over and hang our curtain rods, ordered curtains that were missing, bought essentials for the bathroom and kitchen and made sure we had cleaning supplies and paper products, set up our printer, bought ink and paper for said printer, scrubbed the dirt off our stairwell, picked up shelving that was missing from our fridge, and lived without couches or AC units for longer than was comfortable.

    And then there’s the ministry and relationship stuff.

    I have gotten to know my new housemate, worked with her to figure out a weekly schedule for devotions and prayer and evangelism and cleaning and grocery shopping, split up responsibilities, acted on those responsibilities, and showed up to lead several events even when it was just the two of us. I have driven people around town and to work and to friend’s houses and home from church. I have held conversations with people in the neighborhood and tried to evangelize at the gym and car repair shop as well. I have attended meetings and more meetings and cooked dinner while attending meetings.

    And then there’s the relationship with Jesus stuff.

    I have met with Him in prayer and the Word nearly every day, I worship with my whole self, I confess sin and I seek forgiveness, I try to hold my hands open and surrender to Him and let Him have His way. I have sought to change my relationship to finances and wealth and what it means to be a good and faithful servant. I say yes and I show up when I am tired. I drag myself to do the things that I don’t want to do.

    It has been a full 2 months.

    Oh, and did I mention I was out of the country on a missions trip for 10 days?

    It has been a full 2 months.

    I have felt exposed as a leader in ways I have never felt before. Living with someone new reveals a lot of your dirt and a lot of your shortcomings real fast.

    I have compared myself to other leaders, wondering why I couldn’t bear the same fruit or see the same results when I felt like I was trying just as hard and surrendering just as much.

    I have seen more of my flaws — I am a workaholic and quick to become bitter.

    I have seen more of my insecurities — I am quick to compare and feel threatened by others.

    I have seen more of the ways I am not qualified — I fall into sin and get angry at God and cannot understand why He wants someone like me.

    But you know what?

    I keep going.

    I keep going because God has kept meeting with me.

    He has kept speaking through His Word.

    He has kept speaking through His Spirit.

    And yes, He has even kept speaking to me through my rant sessions with AI computers (don’t judge me).

    I came to the realization that I was feeling so exposed not because I was such a failure, not because I was a square peg in a round hole, and not because my Father was disappointed in me.

    I was feeling exposed because that is quite literally what I have been praying for.

    God exposes the darkness because He is the Light.

    I spent time with God so hard that it actually worked.

    Imagine that.

    In addition, His light exposes the darkness in us not so that He can shame us, but so that He can heal us.

    I want to be healed.

    I just wasn’t aware of the sickness in my life.

    I praise God that He has exposed me.

    I praise God that He has seen me and known me and that He still wants me.

    Hebrews 11-12 hit me so hard the other day because it talks about what I have been feeling for a long time: a homesickness for Heaven. A disappointment that I can’t hug Jesus or see His angels or speak in tongues in a way that is 100% guaranteed not my own gibberish. I have wanted God and I have wanted Him so badly, but I live in the reality that I am in a fleshly body.

    Oh wretched man that I am.

    But my God is not holding out on me and He is not punishing me. There is a great cloud of witnesses who have yet to receive what they were promised, and while they were on earth they were right there in the homesickness alongside me. It does not mean they were unfaithful or insignificant or exposed in a shameful way like I feared that I was.

    It means that we were designed this way.

    I am not uniquely broken.

    I am human.

    My homesickness is evidence that I am being healed and being made more like my Savior.

    2 Corinthians 5 also hit hard because I realized that God has entrusted me with the ministry of reconciliation.

    My Father trusts me to be His Ambassador.

    He is not ashamed of me.

    He is not disappointed in me.

    He trusts me.

    And if He trusts me, then shouldn’t I stop fearing my inadequacies?

    Shouldn’t I stop loathing the exposure as if it were my death sentence?

    My Master wants to heal me.

    He loves me enough to show me what needs healing.

    He is the Light.

    He exposes my darkness.

    So my homesickness?

    It means that I’m healthy and that I’m on my way home.

    I spent time with God so hard that it worked.

    So, Ambassador, keep going.

    It has been a full 2 months, but there is still so much life in store for you.

    Whimsy is alive.

    Heal so that you can delight in it.

    He is not holding out on you, and He is not disappointed in you.

    Keep spending time with God so hard that it works.

    Excelsior, Ambassador.